You can't take what you already have, what I already gave

If it's not one thing, it's another.

Last night was incredible tumultuous. After jumping through several hoops to get to Dallas to see The Autumn Film, my friend Dann's (Dann and I have been friends for almost 4 years now. He's from Colorado and we've been intarwebz frayendz.) band, I finally get in. Parking, insufficient funds, and thinking I was lost, but really ended up getting to The Door on my first try later - I stand around enjoying the music.

His band, The Autumn Film (formerly known as Tifah), put on one helluva show. As Dann said, "they rocked the shit out of that place". TAF is a very cohesive group, all of which are ridiculously talented performers. Their music is strong and so are the lyrics to back it up; much, much better live than on their CD. Just...wow.

Anyway. During a song, McAllen called. (just a bit of a precursor, it was his 24th birthday yesterday. I had called him, so he was returning the call) He was on his way to an art function of some sort, a benefit. He admitted to not being very talkative, which I picked up on. In passing, he mentions that he'll be taking a permaculture course on the weekends. (I know instantly what this means). Unsure of the ending dates, he says that it might let up in November and he believe that it'll start up next weekend. These words ensure his fate. He's not coming here.

He and I have have waned back and forth on this. I've known him over a year, and since February, I've been to see him 6 times, in Austin. Supposed to travel to the Valley this summer, his jobs (which he quit?) wouldn't allow time for such. An argument ensued after that conversation. Making it abundantly clear that Denton is closer to Austin than the Valley, that he'd see me up here. Fine. Whatever. He gives a ballpark estimate of when he'd be available to come here for a weekend, the end of September.
He says that he'd still like to come up in September or "soon". What is soon to you, McAllen? The discussion of "don't make promises you can't keep" has come up before.

After the abrupt ending of that conversation, I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth and cloud looming over my head.

I duck back into the show, and TAF segues into Karma Police by Radiohead. It's EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Karma Police, arrest that man.

Dann, I'm sorry that I was flustered and bothered last night. Ya'll's performance was spectacular. You guys know exactly what you're doing. As you said, "Drive safely," or something to that effect - I got lost in Dallas twice. I just drove and drove with tears streaming down my face, upset with so many facets of my life.

and McAllen? I suppose that my standards keep lowering themselves? I give and I put forth energy and that's okay. If it's not returned, then does there lie a dilemma? In him, I see a lack of commitment to anything. Whatever it is, I'm not seeing it as enough for him.

Is this the straw that breaks the camel's back?

Money, Money, Money

For the past few months, I've noticed that I've been spending a bit of money. I've had a few splurges, a few overdraft fees - but mostly, I buy things on sale or groceries.

But, when I go shopping or I go to purchase something, feelings of guilt come into play. Guilt of capitalism? Guilt of selfishness?

I wonder if it's materialism creeping into my soul or that it's mania.

I do have too many clothes and too many shoes. I just bought three pairs of shoes online, a dress and a tank top from Target, and keycovers from Hot Topic (after overdraft fees were covered and money was deposited into my account).

I have a mental list of things that I need(/want) to get. Tattoos, Hanson tix, a few CDs, etc.

I know that I don't go hog wild or "shoot my wad" as my mother would say. But, I do know that I'm being a bit excessive.

and I'm supposed to be a thrifty college student on a budget (yet, I suckly on mommy and daddy's teat)...

REM isn't rockin' my world

It's official. I cannot stand my dreams anymore. Too vivid, too awkward, too realistically repetitive.

Not only is my sleep being interrupted anyway, now I have these wonderful getaways to look forward to. Great.

What happened to Super Sleeper, huh? My superpower of being able to sleep anywhere are anytime? Guh! Lame.

The real kicker is that these dreams are very vivid, very visceral. The also repeat themselves, and by that, I mean that the message is played over and over again (OCD at it's best?). So, really, I think that the dream has happened a few times, and that I'm dreaming the dream OR that I keep thinking about some thing or some specific incident. It's annoying to say the least.

Is insomnia at my doorstep?

Baby steps, Jordan, baby steps.

So, I've created the said blog. Hooray.

I'm not sure if this is the obligatory "things to come post" or not. It very well could be? I don't know.

I've decided that it's important to start writing more. Blogging. Jotting. Whatever, medium or length it takes - it needs to be written down. My LJ wasn't so much of a journal, it was more of public display of what's in my head - so much for a diary, huh? This thinking pad is more of, and from, the exhibitionist in me, in everyone - I think.

So, here goes. Let's hope for the best?